So close....

I just about wrote something tonight. Remember when I used to write? I used to be really thought-full (much different than thoughtful), and sometimes I actually wrote something thought provoking. Now, I'm just tired and worn out, and burned out, and sad. Unless I'm bitter and angry. Fun times... It's exhausting to be this sad. (And bitter and angry.) Le sigh....

Not over it, regardless of what I might have said....

And all this time, I thought that I was over it.

I’m an adult. I’ve moved on..
I’ve forgiven.

Hell… I hang out with my ex. I tell her son to call me right after 911 in case anything crazy happens.
I am a (one month shy of 50) grown up who is happy to be rid of the relationship that gave me a permanent “soft spot” on my head, that left me deep in debt, that left me flinching when someone moved too fast, that ensured that I questioned myself at every turn.

I went ten years without seeing or talking to her. At the funeral of a friend’s parent, (which I was terrified to attend for fear of seeing her), I saw her and realized that it all didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t care. I was happy. I was fulfilled. I was making a decent life for myself. I was in love with someone else/better.

I forgave her in that instant. She didn’t ask me to; I just did.
We’ve been friends ever since.
We even wish each other “happy non-anniversary” every year on what would have been our anniversary.
I’ve been here for her as she has ruined one relationship after another. I’ve bitched at her as she continually went back, time and time again, to the same horrible relationship. I’ve talked her through some crazy diagnoses and the death of both parents.

She has done the same for me. Met up for laughs. Hung out so our kids could play. Been a shoulder to cry on when my dad died. Made jokes at my expense. Made jokes at her expense.
It has been good, and I have been happy to be her friend.

Last week, I found out that she is dating again. Yay, right?
Then, I found out that she’s dating the last woman that she cheated on me with. The woman who was the end of what we had (which was toxic, to say the least).



And, it hurts.
I’ll be honest. I really wish that I didn’t know.
I despise that bitch.
I am so mad at her, and I feel like it just happened when it was actually 24 years ago.
And, now I’m so mad – again – at my friend/ex. I feel like the forgiveness that I gave has somehow been lessened.

Did I ever forgive her in the first place?

And, why does this hurt so badly?

Is it because I’m reminded that I was second best? (Three different times.)
Is it because I just wanted to be in the right? To always have the upper-hand?
Do I want my friend/ex to actually be happy, or do I want her to be miserable forever (because I was the best)?

Shit. Should I even be friends with my ex?

Why am I more mad at that bitch than I am at my ex?

And, why am I mad at my ex all over again? I'm trying not to be, but I totally am.




Is that how my mom felt when my dad would cheat on her?
I mean, she took him back so many times, but we were from a small community. He always cheated with people that she knew or that she would run into at the store.
Did she seethe at the sight of them while simultaneously acting like she had forgiven him?
Did she ever forgive him, or did she just accept him?
Did it hurt her like this every time?


Why am I not over this?

Cali - Day 11 - this is going to be FUN, right? (Spoiler - no.) Day 12 - home...

So, like most of the vacation, I got up before everyone so that I could get a good run in. I planned this specifically for the parking lot and the fact that we were right by the Castro District. THE GAY MOTHER SHIP!
Oh my gawd. I could spend an entire week in Castro alone!

EVERYTHING was gay! Iconic pictures, rainbows everywhere (including The Gap, aka Gay Gap), The Sound of Music sing-along at a local theater. It was awesome! I wish the boys and Bub were runners (or even walking sightseers) because this was fantastic. I (mostly) ran up a very steep hill, and then flew back down it. If I lived in San Fran, I would have buns of steel, for sure!
Check it out - they even have the gay version of the Hollywood walk of fame, but ours is more historical and much nicer. No trashy strip malls, no disgusting vape shops or cheap liquor stores. Nope - the gays keep their walk of fame nice and spiffy!

After my run, I returned to the hotel prepared to shower and hit the town. We had planned a harbor cruise, more Chinatown, Japantown, the big ships museum, the aquarium, and Fisherman's Wharf.
Instead, I was informed that Meatball felt sick, and Bub had a screaming headache.
This hotel was NOT fancy by any means, and I wasn't about to spend a day in it waiting for people to get better, so we called it a trip and checked out early.

Sadly, we headed home.....

We stopped at the Donner Pass museum. I found it fascinating, and like usual, everyone else found it boring as crap.

After lunch, we pressed onward to Winnemucca where the first thing that greets you as you exit the freeway is the local cemetery.
Well, at least our hotel here was nice. But, it didn't have an elevator. Weird - and inconvenient when you're on the second floor.

Day 12 - this was the least exciting part of the trip. THIS is why people fly to San Fran instead of drive. Holy BORING!
Imagine driving to Wendover from Tooele, but for 1000 years. That's the drive from Winnemucca to home.

I would totally do this again.
It was a lot of driving, and it was a lot of bellyaching from the back seat, and it was actually a lot of bellyaching from the front seat, too.
But it was fantastic.

California - heading north - Day 10

After we managed to tear ourselves away from the Telford family, we headed north again.
(Really, this was a very well planned trip, if I may say so myself!)
We went from Chowchilla to Santa Cruz. I would live here in a heartbeat, too!

The entire reason for going to Santa Cruz was to see Aunt Bernice. This is Kelley's aunt, and she is 95 or 96! Such a classy lady. Sweet as pie, and wonderfully gracious. Her son, Eric, was in town for his yearly visit from South Africa.

After lunch with Aunt Bernice, Eric took us down to the harbor to play a bit. This wasn't really a beach to hang out on, but it was a very fun and well maintained harbor. All of the boats and yachts come in and out of this harbor, and there is a restaurant overlooking the entire thing. A lighthouse on the end of the harbor made this a picture perfect spot.
When we come back here someday, we'll go to the amusement park in town (which I didn't know existed until we saw it from the lighthouse harbor which is silly because - apparently - it's a big deal).

Want to guess what happened next? Yup - back in the car and headed to San Fran! This was an awesome long tunnel. Why are tunnels so much fun?

Once in San Fran, we found our hotel - a complete crap hole in downtown, but we didn't have to pay for parking our car, so that was a plus.
We complained about the room for about 45 minutes, and then we complained about the location of being practically IN the parking lot (which I did NOT choose, may I add - I said the back area on the 2nd floor would be great, but noooooo).
Finally, we decided that we were hungry and wanted to go to dinner.
I don't remember the name of the restaurant, but it was GOOD.

California - rest day and broiling heat - day 8

We managed to get zero pictures of Chowchilla - probably because we were too busy, and our brains were fried!
I started the day by running two laps around Roch's community. It was about five miles, and a very nice area. Palm trees and a couple hundred houses that all look the same, but a nice area. I saw a tortoise! Cute little guy....

Then, we packed up all of the boys and went to the trampoline park for a couple of hours. Brilliant inventions, trampoline parks. Cool in the summer and warm in the winter. When that was done, we went to the skate park where there were no people hanging out. Why? Because it was 109*.
The skate park didn't last long. We were miserable. So, we went to Dave & Busters instead. THIS was a blast. The grown-ups had a couple of beers and the boys ran around and played video games. Perfect!
After dinner, we went back to Roch's for movies and margaritas.
We would move on the next day.

In fact, here's a picture of the main road out of Chowchilla the next day.

Cali - Day 7 - Central coast - not enough time

Oh, I just love it here. Next time, we'll just spend all of our time here. It's so kicked back and groovy and surf vibing.... (is vibing a word?)

I got up and took myself for a run.
Los Osos is located on the tidal flat, and the Chumash Indians used to collect fish and shellfish, and when I ran along here, I could clearly see how and why.
The morning was foggy and misty. The temperature was perfect.
First, I followed the trail to the flat, and then just went where the path went. This took me along a muddy path until I wasn't able to continue without really messing up my shoes (which, by the way, isn't a big deal unless you live with Bub - packing muddy shoes in the car with anything of hers? No.) So, I turned back a bit and then took a different path through the area. Groovy little place...

Then, I found the Elfin Forest sign. What the...? Elfin Forest? Yes - it's a thing.
Prehistoric sand dunes with a thing called "Coast live oak." Apparently, poor soil, constant wind, and salt spray will stunt your growth.
Literally, nothing here was taller than me, and most of it was lower than my shoulders. The local community has come together to purchase this land, and it's a cute little protected 90 acres when a series of walking paths and a boardwalk through a certain section. Little rollers added to the fun, and I met a few people along the path.

Once I returned and showered, we ate breakfast and cleaned up. We packed our stuff and headed out to see more of the coast before heading inland to see our friends.

Since it was still chilly, we stopped at Morro Bay and got a coffee and hot chocolate. I LOVE Morro Bay.
We didn't do anything exciting. We just walked around the streets by the coast and checked stuff out. The boats, the seals barking, Morro Rock, the signs that talked about the significance of Morro rock, the many dogs taking walks.
I would move here in a heartbeat. I've always loved it here.

Then, another beach - completely awesome - Pismo. I also love it here and have since 1990....
I wish we could have gone clamming. You just need a bucket, a shovel, and a desire to get to the beach before 6am.
But, playing is better than clamming. (You know what I love about kids? They can make friends with anyone because they haven't built up their walls yet.)

AND, then just like that, we hit the road again.
This time, Siri suggested a path that would save us ten minutes. Siri didn't tell us that it was like riding the Wild Mouse!!
This road was up and down and up and down and curvier than a Lane Bryant model.
We had so much fun flying down this road. We passed three other cars, maybe, and we got to see some beautiful farmland, hills, horses, roadside stands where we ate some of the biggest cherries that we've ever eaten.

But finally, we arrived in Chowchilla. It felt like we had been driving for seven days (which we had), and we were tired. We pulled into the Telford driveway cheers erupted! And, margaritas were mixed! And video games were played! And lots of burgers and noodle salad and chicken and chips were eaten.
Hallelujah!

Cali - Day 6 - Goodbye, LA - Hello, Central coast!

So very happy to leave LA. What a hole.
We stopped at Santa Monica Pier on our way out of town. Had I known more, we would have just rented in THIS area! This was MUCH better, MUCH nicer, MUCH cooler...
Oh, and pretty and clean and fun!
Crowded, too. Very crowded, but who cares when you're having this much fun?

After six days of listening to them fight in the back seat (and in the hotel room, and the restaurant, and changing room, and on the sidewalk, and....), it was great to see them playing and having a great time.

And, of course, funnel cakes to celebrate the wonderful day.

And, then we hit the road again to get to our next destination: Los Osos.
The drive was wonderful - beautiful land, and decent traffic. We took our time and arrived in Los Osos right before dinner.
We got checked in to our BnB with a VERY chatty host. Once we finally extricated ourselves from her conversation trap, we went out to the local greasy spoon. Literally, greasy - and delicious! OMG - big burgers, awesome fries and onion rings, huge portions (too huge!) - just an awesome place.
Then, we went back to our room (without a TV - which pissed everyone off except for me), and went to sleep.