Thankful, 2012

So, I don't do that whole "let's-be-thankful-every-day-in-November-and-post-about-it-constantly" thing. You do? Good. I think that's good. Rock your socks off.

It's not that I'm not thankful, because I am. I just don't don't want to go on and on about it. I keep a grateful journal. I'm supposed to write in it everyday, but I don't. I do, however, write in it enough to know that I am, really, grateful for so many beautiful things in my life. I keep that for myself, I guess, although if someone really wanted to read it, I wouldn't turn down their request. There's nothing earth shattering in it. Just me. Being thankful for the little things.

I wish I could say that I live each day acknowledging and expressing my gratitude from the heart - that I live from a place of gratitude alone. But, I don't. I get frustrated when the boys don't behave during dinner instead of being grateful that we have food to feed them (that they won't eat). I get angry when I can't pay all of the bills instead of being happy that I've paid most of them. I get depressed when, well, whenever - it's too often, to be truthful. (I'm not thankful for that.)

But, I am thankful. Like multitudes of people on Facebook and all over the internet, I am thankful for my family. So, there. Cliche, yes. Truthful, yes.

I'm thankful for Bubba. We've struggled, and sometimes she drives me insane. But, we're still in this together no matter what our friends thought when this whole thing started back in 1996. Good grief - that's 16 years. I'll keep her around for some, I suppose.

I'm thankful for her parents and my parents and my siblings and my aunts, uncles, cousins, and all of that. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my friends that are more family than my blood relatives.

But, here's the kicker. I'm thankful for those boys. Yes, the same ones that you see here - all over the place here since this has become a showcase-adorable-people blog. They are my everything (even though they never eat their dinner).

I'm thankful for the friends who shared pizza and beer with us and talked us through how to get started with sperm banks, doctors, and forms.

I'm thankful for the OB/GYN who had done this many times before with other lesbian couples and didn't even blink when we raised the question with her. (I'm also thankful that she was there for my delivery instead of having a day off which was the original plan.)

I'm actually thankful for my miscarriage. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? It showed me that I was really ready to be a parent, and Bubba was too. We were invested, and it wasn't a game or a theory. It was painful (emotionally). It forced me to reconsider some things and hold on tighter to others. Maybe I'm thankful for it now because I know that he still came to me eventually. I may have lost him once, but I'm certain - convinced, even - that he turned out to be the surprise-you're-having-twins baby. It just took him a couple of tries for his body to catch up with his soul. I'm so lucky!

The other two thanks come in at a tie. It's hard to decide who to thank the most. Is there a thank you tie breaker? Like the ultimate rock-scissors-paper game?

First, there is the donor (KD in our case). Without him and his large heart, we would not have these exact two little gentlemen at this exact time with their exact quirks and their exact eyes and their exact laughs. How do you say "thank you" to someone that gave you life? It's even harder when he gave you two lives! Really, there isn't an expression that encompasses it. Perhaps there is a Hallmark card that hints at what I'm trying to say?

But, tied with that enormous and completely amazing gift is the thank you to the people who kept those gifts alive. The NICU doctors and nurses at LDS Hospital in 2007 literally saved our boys' lives. From keeping Peanut's oxygen levels and body temperatures up to acceptable levels to Meatball's blood transfusion and Necrotizing Enterocolitis, the boys are here today (and healthy in spite of the fact that they don't eat dinner.... ever....) because of these doctors and nurses. Again, how do you say "thanks" for that? The pizza party that we threw when we were discharged just didn't cut it.

So, there you go. I am grateful. I am grateful to the deepest part of my heart. I am grateful beyond words. Love's like that, somehow.