Sunday, October 27, 2013

They're still funny!

Just because I'm depressed and miserable doesn't mean that everyone is a mess. The boys have been cheering me up all year long with their funny characteristics and hilarious things that they say:

Meatball: Mom, after I am Pac Man for Halloween this year, I'm going to be a kitty next year and a wrecking ball the next next year!
Me: Uh...

One of those Carl*s Jr commercials came on with the scantily clad girl eating a huge burger and making a mess. Those drive Kelley nuts because the food is so messy and sloppy.
Kelley: Ug! Oh my Gawd. Is that supposed to be sexy?
Peanut: Well, I think it's sexy!
Me: Oh, really?!?! Exactly what do you think is sexy about that?
Peanut: Well.... That does looks like a really yummy hamburger!
Totally innocent. He is truly in love with the burger and only the burger.
So cute!

Rule for the evening: no farting!
Guess how long it took for a 6 year old to let one rip? Less than 10 seconds!

After taking a bite of carrot cake ice cream (which IS really good), Peanut exclaimed "Mom! You've sent my taste buds to the North Pole!"

The boys often speak with a British accent because Nana is from London, so I was surprised to walk in last week and hear them speaking as if they had been raised in Mumbai.
Me: Oh, this sounds interesting. Where are you from if you're speaking like that?
Meatball: Indiana!

Peanut has informed me that I have "ruined his life" by not allowing him on a particular website. Congratulations, me. I must be doing some part of this parenting thing correctly.

Twins: double the fun; double the laughs; double the joy; double the love; double the pink eye....

Kel: I must have PMS!
Meatball: Yeah, like DNA....

Peanut: "Mom, where is Honk Ong?"
Me: "What?"
Peanut: "You know, Honk Ong?"
Me: "Oh, right. China."
(Hong Kong.)

Meatball: "Mom, I know a school that granny and grandpa can go to."
Me: "What school is that?"
Meatball: "It's called Old School."

Meatball: "Hey, mom. Don't ever give me the bum steer, ok?"
I have no idea where that came from.

Dear Parents of Poorly Dressed Kids:
I judged you. I did! Pre-kids, I thought "I would never let my child out of the house looking like that."
Then, my kids started to pick out their own outfits. I get it now. You can't re-dress them! They are so proud of the fact that they put plaid with stripes with black socks and flip flops and (an ugly) Cowboys hat.....
So, I'm sorry for all of that judging back then.

Peanut: "Mom, I'm really confused about something."
Me: "What's that?"
Peanut: "When someone says a naughty word on TV, do THEY beep or does the TV beep?"

I am eating at McD's. Obviously, the birthday boys got to choose. That, or the world is coming to an end and all other eating establishments have burned to the ground.

Peanut: Mom, when I grow up, can I say naughty words?
Me: No. When you're a grown up, you will be smarter than that and use good words.
Peanut: But, mom! I was really looking forward to using them!

In grade K, my kids are doing math like 69-22=.....
And, they like it! And, it's easy/fun for them!
I LOVE their teachers and school!

Peanut to me: "Mom, I just kissed your hair. It's an incredibly romantic thing to do...."

The competition was fierce, but we had a blast in aisle 17 at the Home Depot kit car races today!

(about the key lime pie). Meatball: Mom! It's like BOOM in my mouth, and it goes to the very ends of me!

Boy 1: Mom, this great fun day lasted until the night!
Boy 2: Mom, I'm going to go home and write a word that says "poop."

Well, Meatball just drew a picture to send to the president and vice president. Peanut just officially "out-scienced" me by reversing the direction of his forward-only train.

For their Valentine's gifts, one of the boys got Kelley a frozen pizza and the other got her Hawaiian flavored lifesavers. Boy - she's going to be surprised!

It's Saturday night and we're watching Cinderella. Can we BRING IT, or what?!?!

"Too legit. Too legit to quit."
Thanks to the New Years Rockin' Eve show, the boys have been chanting that for 12 days now.
The song didn't get better with time, but the singers are much cuter and better dressed.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


When I was at the U, I took a class that was semi-related to my major of Gender Studies. I don’t know exactly what the name of the class was, but it had everything to do with death, the psychology of death. It was a fascinating class. What I remember most from the class – apart from the incredibly warm room that it was held in – was the book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, “On Death and Dying.”

Here we are 20 years later, and I’m sure that everyone has heard of this and the stages of grief are not new, but it’s what I’ve been thinking about of late.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

The stages don’t have to happen in that order, and other feelings can obviously be felt along the journey, but these are the common stages felt by most people facing loss.

At the time, it made perfect sense. I didn’t realize that I would be experiencing those feelings very soon when my mom died. And, I did.

I think that I went through bargaining first. I didn’t do the “oh, god, please take me instead" thing. Now, if it were one of my kids, I might do that. But, I didn’t with my mom.
For being such an active and healthy woman, she really had her share of shitty luck. She managed to get all of the weirdest diseases. Like Saint Vitas Dance. Really? And, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Seriously? Sclerosing cholangitis. Fuh…. So, when my aunt called and said malignant tumor, and the next week the doctor said squamous call carcinoma, I was not surprised.

What I did, however, was plunge myself into the internet (how young it was at the time) and phone calls to the local cancer center and phone calls to my own doctor to find out everything that I could about it. Because that’s what I do. If I can figure it out, or find a way around it, I will do it. So, I sat in the doctor’s office that day with my mom and my aunt and my notebook and asked a thousand questions.

Thinking that I could change it. But if I can learn about it, maybe I can find a way around it. That was my bargaining. Let me learn just enough to possibly change it. Whatever I can do to change it, I will give it a try.

And, then it happened so quickly. Just a few months.

And, I was camping during the last weekend of her life. Because I was in denial. I believed that she was going to be all right. And, then she died. My brother and sister-in-law came to my work to tell me. I went back to my desk and tried to call my sister. I stood in my cubicle and didn’t know what to do. I remember saying (out loud and almost crying) “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”

Depression came next. Oh, it was a whirlwind of funeral arrangements, writing the obituary, buying a new blouse, picking her casket clothes, picking a casket, arguing about having the casket open or closed, going to my childhood church for the first time in ten years, seeing her friends and hearing their stories. But, yes. It was the depression next.

I finally really sobbed on the way home from the funeral. All the way home - 2.5 hours of crying. And that whole night. And the next day. And, then I had to go back to work, so I managed to collect myself for 8 hours. And, then I drank when I got home. Collected myself for 8 hours, and then I drank some more the next night. This happened pretty much every night for a year. I'm not proud of myself, but it's what happened. I spent hours at night in the basement playing pool by myself and drinking beer. (Is it a wonder that my game never improved? It IS actually a wonder that I didn't gain a lot of weight. I guess the fact that I wasn't eating anything to note probably helped counterbalance the excessive beer.)

During the depression phase, I also experienced the anger phase. I’m loathe to say that sometimes I still do. There was a genuinely wonderful lady, Verna, who used to work with me. She, too, had colon cancer at the same time as my mom, but she survived. As much as I adored her (she has since passed away), I was angry at her. She, of course, never did anything to deserve my anger. She was just fighting a battle for her own life, and she was fortunate enough to win. (Also known as: she had the luxury of insurance whereas my mom did not. Universal healthcare, people…) Yes - sometimes I find myself angry at those around me who do not cherish every irritating thing that their own mother does, but thankfully, it's just a flash and then it's gone.

Finally, I learned to accept it. It was a matter of time, and beer, and tears, and sadness, and withdrawal from those around me. But, I did learn to accept it.

I didn’t think that I would need to deal with this type of grief again until someone else died, but I have. I’ve been absent from this blog because I’m in the middle of the depression phase again. And, it’s just as hard this time even though nobody has died.

This time, I didn’t have months to prepare myself. This time, my daily life, a big sense of myself, my “status,” the respect that I thought that I had, it was all gone in one day. I’ve yet to bargain because I don’t have much left to bargain with. I’ve yet to experience loads of anger because I was led to believe that it was all my own fault. (And, if you know me at all, you know that I immediately blamed myself anyway.) I had myself a little bit of denial while I hid myself away. But, how lucky is my family? I’ve been mired in the depression phase since February.

I don’t know if I will move to acceptance. Mostly because I don’t want to. I can get past the depression. I will. But, the acceptance? It will be a cold day in hell. (Oh, look! A bit of anger! Growth?)