Not over it, regardless of what I might have said....

And all this time, I thought that I was over it.

I’m an adult. I’ve moved on..
I’ve forgiven.

Hell… I hang out with my ex. I tell her son to call me right after 911 in case anything crazy happens.
I am a (one month shy of 50) grown up who is happy to be rid of the relationship that gave me a permanent “soft spot” on my head, that left me deep in debt, that left me flinching when someone moved too fast, that ensured that I questioned myself at every turn.

I went ten years without seeing or talking to her. At the funeral of a friend’s parent, (which I was terrified to attend for fear of seeing her), I saw her and realized that it all didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t care. I was happy. I was fulfilled. I was making a decent life for myself. I was in love with someone else/better.

I forgave her in that instant. She didn’t ask me to; I just did.
We’ve been friends ever since.
We even wish each other “happy non-anniversary” every year on what would have been our anniversary.
I’ve been here for her as she has ruined one relationship after another. I’ve bitched at her as she continually went back, time and time again, to the same horrible relationship. I’ve talked her through some crazy diagnoses and the death of both parents.

She has done the same for me. Met up for laughs. Hung out so our kids could play. Been a shoulder to cry on when my dad died. Made jokes at my expense. Made jokes at her expense.
It has been good, and I have been happy to be her friend.

Last week, I found out that she is dating again. Yay, right?
Then, I found out that she’s dating the last woman that she cheated on me with. The woman who was the end of what we had (which was toxic, to say the least).



And, it hurts.
I’ll be honest. I really wish that I didn’t know.
I despise that bitch.
I am so mad at her, and I feel like it just happened when it was actually 24 years ago.
And, now I’m so mad – again – at my friend/ex. I feel like the forgiveness that I gave has somehow been lessened.

Did I ever forgive her in the first place?

And, why does this hurt so badly?

Is it because I’m reminded that I was second best? (Three different times.)
Is it because I just wanted to be in the right? To always have the upper-hand?
Do I want my friend/ex to actually be happy, or do I want her to be miserable forever (because I was the best)?

Shit. Should I even be friends with my ex?

Why am I more mad at that bitch than I am at my ex?

And, why am I mad at my ex all over again? I'm trying not to be, but I totally am.




Is that how my mom felt when my dad would cheat on her?
I mean, she took him back so many times, but we were from a small community. He always cheated with people that she knew or that she would run into at the store.
Did she seethe at the sight of them while simultaneously acting like she had forgiven him?
Did she ever forgive him, or did she just accept him?
Did it hurt her like this every time?


Why am I not over this?