Friday, December 28, 2012

Not Enough

Why is it that so many of us allow complacency and laziness to creep into our lives?

We move to the suburbs, have our kids, and watch more sports on TV than we actually play.

We go to work every day and put in our time but don’t produce anything revolutionary or don’t really act in a way of real service to our customers or our coworkers.

We let romance go.

And, this last one is probably the most tragic.

We spend years trying to impress our soul mate, and then we just let it go. Sometimes, it falls into place. It just happens. It is meant to be.

And, maybe – just maybe – this might be the reason that we allow ourselves to become less diligent in holding on to it. If it happens easily for us at the beginning, then why work hard throughout?

As cliché as it might sound, Bub and I met at a local lesbian bar. (Have I mentioned this before?) And, let’s be honest – it was the ONLY lesbian bar in the state. It has since changed ownership and location, and it is still the only lesbian bar in the state. (And, we’re far too old to fit in there, now. Sigh. Everyone has the exact same haircut – very short – and they all look twelve years old.) However, at the time, the bars were the only places to meet people. There was an LGBT “center,” but it was really two rooms in a cheap office building that I think were donated by a well-to-do therapist or lawyer or something. (Now, there is a true place – a whole building and loads of clubs, groups, and coffee houses.)

So, I was in a relationship at the time. She was just leaving one. I was working part-time at the bar, and she was frequenting it with her friends. We quickly hit it off – which means that I played her favorite songs and didn’t expect a tip and she flirted with me non-stop – quite flattering, actually. I stayed in my relationship, and she went in and out of a couple. I finally quit working at the bar when I went back to school, but we stayed in touch when my friends and I would go to the bar to hang out once in a while.

Then, my thing ended, and I needed money in a big way. I went back to work part-time at the bar (now under new ownership). Bub was now just getting out a fling, and we were each other’s rebounds. But, really, we were both just waiting for this time to come. Back when, we both wanted to be in this with each other, but we weren’t free at the same time. There was always some flirting. There was always something there. And, then we finally had the chance!

Oh, Bub was a hopeless romantic. I got flowers all of the time. Like, ALL of the time. Stuffed animals were delivered to work. Notes left on the mirror. She even stopped on the side of the freeway one day to pick some daisies that she then left all over my truck.

She also made it very difficult to study for my classes…

Movies, special dinners, dancing, requesting “our” song. It was almost embarrassing, but just awesome enough to avoid the embarrassing part.

For my part, I called her just to say that I loved her. Special necklaces, her favorite foods, watching Barbra Streisand movies (proof that I loved her and still do), leaving notes in unexpected places, trying to draw cute little things on cards (always a disaster), and lots of dinners with her family. I thought about her all of the time, and I made sure that she knew it.

So, where does all of that go? Why is it so easy to let it go?

When does it becomes OK to stop fixing yourself up? When does it become OK to spend more time in front of the TV in separate chairs than snuggled up next to each other in bed? When does it become OK to roll the eyes instead of showing support for his/her latest passion or project?

And, how do you recapture it?

1 comment:

Bee Girl said...

There is no easy answer, but the important part is that you are aware and wondering!!! Yay for step 1 being done! You love her and she loves you and you two are still committed to each other, yes? That's half the battle!

For Thanksgiving I gave my partner a big mason jar filled with 52 "things" for us to do together or for me to do for her. She gets to draw one each week (they're color coded by month and include both free and low cost items) and then we do them together or I do them for her! I came up with some of the ideas on my own based on her likes and then googled low cost date ideas to fill in the gaps. the item drawn each week doesn't have to be done immediately, it can be "saved" for another time OR done ASAP :-)

A couple of examples: I will make her French Toast for dinner (her favorite), we will go to a matinee together (just us, she gets to choose the movie), I will give her a massage, we will pack up a picnic and go to a park to enjoy it, we will go on a hike together in a new place...

It's easy to get comfortable after so much time has passed and I think it's so important to be intentional about keeping the love and excitement alive! It doesn't have to be an all the time know, we do have lives and kids and work and everything else to worry about...but it's important to put forth the effort and follow through with your continued love.

I do hope this helps :-) I plan on doing a proper post about it on my blog, but wanted her to pull a few before I posted pictures and such.