Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Cuteness Quotient

And, no - this is not about our absolutely adorable boys. It's actually about me. Maybe if I put this in writing, I'll be able to better see the problem. (Deep breath)

About ten years ago, I applied for a promotion that I didn't get. Looking back now, I understand that I wasn't ready for it. The company made the right decision. I was promoted a year-ish later after I made some changes and purposely placed myself in situations for more exposure, experience, and challenges. So, it all worked out well.

HOWEVER, at the time that I was denied the original promotion, a well meaning (?) co-worker asked me if it was because I didn't score high enough on the CQ. I had no idea what she was talking about. Introducing.......... The Cuteness Quotient! [SLAP] After all, the woman that received the promotion really was very cute and spunky and outgoing. Me: not so much. I'm pretty reserved, a bit introverted, average looking, and perpetually chunky. I was devastated for quite a while.

Fast forward to today as I sucked in my stomach - again - to do up my slacks. I'm not enormous, but on the BMI chart I hover on the border of overweight/obese. (Yuck.) What really irks me is that I've completed five marathons! I'm definitely not one of those people who can just wake up one morning and run 26.2 miles; I trained! Hundreds of miles in preparation over the course of five years! Most people would look better - not the same.... Most people would take that finally chugging train and ride it into skinny, good-looking town, wouldn't they?

It's ten years after the original Cuteness Quotient remark, and I basically look the same - except 38 instead of 28. I would suspect that the Dr. Phils of the world would say that there is something emotional to this - something psychological - something fear based. They would probably be right. So, what is it that keeps me here? What am I allowing myself to get away with? What part of myself am I denying? What am I afraid of?

I plan to find some answers - finally.
(P.S. My first response to myself after re-reading this: "Ug. Soul searching is just so exhausting." HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!??!!?!)


Isabelle said...

I can't help but wonder if some of these feelings are being fueled by the idea that super-skinny is good looking. It isn't. It's hard to buck the idea that cute, perky, outgoing, super stylish, super thin, cookie-cutter is the only kind of attractive.
For my money Queen Latifa is more attractive than Rhianna, America Ferrera's more attractive than Blake Lively and Toni Collette is more attractive than Kate Blanchette. For me the difference is more than looks - it's depth of character. There are a lot of really attractive people out there that fight to be noticed simply because they don't fit into the mold.You ARE attractive, more "fit" than most and You bring far more to the table than "cuteness". Screw those who can't see it.

Isabelle said...

And "Isabelle" is really Alysenq. It's complicated. :)

TooeleTwins said...

So, why not just sign in as Alyq? Or was that just too Utah? Isabelle is your Southern personality? I'm happy to have so many friends in one person. ;)

TooeleTwins said...

And, I agree with you, but I just don't understand why I haven't made any progress in six years. (OK - 38 years, but who's counting?)

Anonymous said...

First of all, you look great. I would ignore the whole "CQ" thing all together.
Secondly, how in the world can you run a marathon and have two babies? Sheesh! You are a hero!!