Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Little Angel

Quite frequently when we walk the dogs, we go to the cemetery ½ block from our house because Gus’ joints are just not what they used to be. A short walk is about all that he can handle, but he still has fun getting out and (barely) getting around.

One of our two little loops in the cemetery passes by the gravesite of little H.G.K., and each time I pass it, I feel a little bit of guilt and sadness.

H.G.K was conceived at almost exactly the same time as our guys. His parents had tried and tried to conceive, and they were elated. However, H.G.K. came early – a month earlier than our boys, so at about 30 weeks which is pretty darn early. So, he was going to face some preemie challenges. But, the alarmed doctors whisked him away very quickly, and then returned to tell his parents that things weren’t going great. Little H.G.K. had holoprosensephaly which just brings a litany of problems PLUS his organs were all mixed up! He wasn’t expected to live past a couple of months.

But little H.G.K. fought for eight months bringing love and joy to his parents and family before his little heart had had enough. They gave up everything that they had to keep him as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I was never lucky enough to meet H.G.K. in person because, as you can expect, visits were closely monitored so that nobody could inadvertently make him sick. However, even in pictures, I could see the beauty in this little boy. He had the most tender eyes I’ve ever seen. Even though he never babbled and couldn’t really laugh much, he expressed everything through those beautiful brown eyes.

So, here I walk, past his little gravestone with our healthy and happy and crazy boys. We had hoped for one and got two. We tried six times - many, many times fewer than H.G.K.’s parents. I know that they do not regret their time with their angel and that they are happy for us, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty that we have so much when they have lost so much.

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