In my new-mommy, hormone affected, NICU tempered euphoria, I find myself weepy and emotional and generally weird.
I want to be the BEST mom in the whole world! I hope that our boys love us as much as I loved my mom. There can't be a better feeling than that, can there?
But, I'm so afraid that I'll make mistakes or forget to do something important or embarrass them or etc. etc. etc.
I look at these little beings everyday, and I'm amazed that they are so beautiful and perfect. I'm reminded that they are miracles. (Of course, they are only three weeks old and can't talk back yet.)
So, one thing that I'm afraid of is this: In two years or 14 years or 37 years they will do things or say things that will bug the crap out of me or really piss me off. I'm afraid that during those times, I won't remember how I feel today. I'm afraid that I will forget that they are perfect and wonderful and have made me happier than I ever imagined. I'm afraid that the absolute beauty that I feel will fade or disappear - especially in times of frustration or anger.
See - I told you that I'm emotional and weird.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!
After an additional 10-day stay in the hospital (caused by an infection at the site of the deep IV inserted to fight the original infection), Meatball is HOME! The boys are together again. Moms couldn't be happier and can't stop crying/laughing/crying/staring/crying/sighing/etc.
The gas companies are probably crying, too, but that's because we won't be driving into SLC 2x/day anymore! Boo-hoo for them....
Thanks to everyone for your support in the past month. It is genuinely appreciated.
The gas companies are probably crying, too, but that's because we won't be driving into SLC 2x/day anymore! Boo-hoo for them....
Thanks to everyone for your support in the past month. It is genuinely appreciated.
UPDATE FROM THE HALF-WAY HOUSE
"Half-way House" in two ways: 1) a dwelling that houses craziness and chaos, and 2) a place where half of our boys now sleep!
At exactly 3-weeks of age, and after his first parent-administered bath, Peanut was discharged from the hospital on 6/21!!! He was about 4 1/2 pounds and looked particularly dashing in his preemie duds (courtesy of Aunt Ruth and cousins Heather and Jamie). His first car ride was immediately to grandma and grandpa's house since the hospital was anxious to have the extra bed, a meal was due in less than 30 minutes, and it couldn't be prepared on the freeway. His first non-hospital doc appointment is tomorrow, and he's been advised to avoid crowds for two months (sorry friends from work!).
Unfortunately, Meatball has yet to experience the same joy, but he probably doesn't really care since he's just interested in food - GLORIOUS FOOD! Yes - the docs have allowed him to eat again (after a most unpleasant enema x-ray yesterday that showed no intestinal blockages, kinks, or twists). Now, he just needs to get to a minimum feeding amount which will take a bit of time since he's only allowed one additional mL per meal. Then, he needs to be sure to eat everything via mouth and not nose tube (no problems here so far!) and he needs to gain weight for two days in a row (again, probably not a big deal since he is the biggest baby in the NICU - by far! Yes, he's already too big to wear the preemie clothes!)
Moms are stressing about how to juggle time between home and the hospital, but they will surely manage. The worst part is splitting the two handsome devils up for a few days. After all, they've spent the last nine months together from womb to side-by-side ICU cribs. Momma Goober is particularly teary - must be the hormones....
THE FOLLOWING VISITATION RULES WERE SENT TO FRIENDS/FAMILY:
For anyone in the state of Utah that plans to visit Peanut (and Meatball when he's released), there are some rules that the over-protective moms must insist that you follow:
1) Don't come if you or your kids are sick. End of discussion....
2) Please call before you come. You never know - a breast feeding session may be in progress, and while Momma K isn't exceptionally modest, there are just some things that she doesn't want to share.
3) Plan to wash your hands several times before being allowed to cuddle and hug any small person. The moms will probably forego this requirement if you with to cuddle and hug them, but then again, that would just be weird.
4) If you're a smoker, shower well and do not smoke before visiting. If you can't wait that long to light up, then plan to wear something (likely a luau or tie-dye print) that belongs to Goob or Bub. Apparently, smoke particulates cling to your clothes and hair long after you extinguish, and they're really not good for preemie lungs. (And, NO - this isn't something that Goob is making up to get you all to stop smoking!)
The rules will likely be relaxed over time, but for now will be enforced. After seeing these adorable little faces, everyone will forget all about how they've been inconvenienced!
We'll let everyone know when Meatball is discharged and the whole family is happily home and harvesting cherries, berries and tomatoes. (The garden waits for no one! Gotta' get the cherries canned or put into several pies or something! They are beautiful and super tasty right now!)
At exactly 3-weeks of age, and after his first parent-administered bath, Peanut was discharged from the hospital on 6/21!!! He was about 4 1/2 pounds and looked particularly dashing in his preemie duds (courtesy of Aunt Ruth and cousins Heather and Jamie). His first car ride was immediately to grandma and grandpa's house since the hospital was anxious to have the extra bed, a meal was due in less than 30 minutes, and it couldn't be prepared on the freeway. His first non-hospital doc appointment is tomorrow, and he's been advised to avoid crowds for two months (sorry friends from work!).
Unfortunately, Meatball has yet to experience the same joy, but he probably doesn't really care since he's just interested in food - GLORIOUS FOOD! Yes - the docs have allowed him to eat again (after a most unpleasant enema x-ray yesterday that showed no intestinal blockages, kinks, or twists). Now, he just needs to get to a minimum feeding amount which will take a bit of time since he's only allowed one additional mL per meal. Then, he needs to be sure to eat everything via mouth and not nose tube (no problems here so far!) and he needs to gain weight for two days in a row (again, probably not a big deal since he is the biggest baby in the NICU - by far! Yes, he's already too big to wear the preemie clothes!)
Moms are stressing about how to juggle time between home and the hospital, but they will surely manage. The worst part is splitting the two handsome devils up for a few days. After all, they've spent the last nine months together from womb to side-by-side ICU cribs. Momma Goober is particularly teary - must be the hormones....
THE FOLLOWING VISITATION RULES WERE SENT TO FRIENDS/FAMILY:
For anyone in the state of Utah that plans to visit Peanut (and Meatball when he's released), there are some rules that the over-protective moms must insist that you follow:
1) Don't come if you or your kids are sick. End of discussion....
2) Please call before you come. You never know - a breast feeding session may be in progress, and while Momma K isn't exceptionally modest, there are just some things that she doesn't want to share.
3) Plan to wash your hands several times before being allowed to cuddle and hug any small person. The moms will probably forego this requirement if you with to cuddle and hug them, but then again, that would just be weird.
4) If you're a smoker, shower well and do not smoke before visiting. If you can't wait that long to light up, then plan to wear something (likely a luau or tie-dye print) that belongs to Goob or Bub. Apparently, smoke particulates cling to your clothes and hair long after you extinguish, and they're really not good for preemie lungs. (And, NO - this isn't something that Goob is making up to get you all to stop smoking!)
The rules will likely be relaxed over time, but for now will be enforced. After seeing these adorable little faces, everyone will forget all about how they've been inconvenienced!
We'll let everyone know when Meatball is discharged and the whole family is happily home and harvesting cherries, berries and tomatoes. (The garden waits for no one! Gotta' get the cherries canned or put into several pies or something! They are beautiful and super tasty right now!)
BIG WEEKEND, THEN MINOR SET-BACK
On Saturday, Meatball was finally allowed to eat again. He snarfed down the teensy and meager 4mL that were made available to him. Then, he made some absolutely adorable sighing noises and a great big burp. His feeding amounts increased by 1mL every three hours.
On that same day, Peanut was moved from an incubator into an open crib. He has proven that he can maintain his body temperature and is now a candidate for heading home! He passed his hearing test today and will take his car-seat test tomorrow. If he continues to gain weight each day, he will be headed home on Thursday.
Meatball was really fussy yesterday and didn't have any interest in eating. Since he spent so much time being off of food, the doc ordered an x-ray to make sure that his system is correctly handling the re-introduction of food. The x-ray was questionable with a big area of bowel that looks like it's not moving stuff along well. So, he's on a 12-18 hour fast (again) with 6-hour x-rays to monitor everything. It's probably nothing, but it's best to be cautious. He was also retaining a lot of fluid in his feet and legs, but that's pretty much cleared itself up today.
So, Peanut will beat Meatball home, but they should only be apart for a few (4-6) days. This will cause mommies some stress and some scheduling challenges since Peanut cannot re-enter the NICU. (No kids under 1 year.... risk of communicable infections is too great)
Regardless of the challenges we've experienced, we are so happy with our decision to become moms. Maybe it's the "baby-moon" period, maybe it's the fact that we have 24-hour help in the NICU staff, but honestly - we can't even remember our life before our guys came into it. Perhaps someday we'll look wistfully back on the parties, the dinners out, the movies, the bars, the dancing, and the sex-any-time-any-where - but today, none of that stuff matters.
We're also so very appreciative that our little men are as healthy as they are and that they waited until 34 weeks to arrive. There are so many kids in the NICU who are 1/4 the size of our Peanut and 1/7 the size of our Meatball (current sizes - not birth weight).
These three weeks in the NICU have opened our eyes and our hearts.
On that same day, Peanut was moved from an incubator into an open crib. He has proven that he can maintain his body temperature and is now a candidate for heading home! He passed his hearing test today and will take his car-seat test tomorrow. If he continues to gain weight each day, he will be headed home on Thursday.
Meatball was really fussy yesterday and didn't have any interest in eating. Since he spent so much time being off of food, the doc ordered an x-ray to make sure that his system is correctly handling the re-introduction of food. The x-ray was questionable with a big area of bowel that looks like it's not moving stuff along well. So, he's on a 12-18 hour fast (again) with 6-hour x-rays to monitor everything. It's probably nothing, but it's best to be cautious. He was also retaining a lot of fluid in his feet and legs, but that's pretty much cleared itself up today.
So, Peanut will beat Meatball home, but they should only be apart for a few (4-6) days. This will cause mommies some stress and some scheduling challenges since Peanut cannot re-enter the NICU. (No kids under 1 year.... risk of communicable infections is too great)
Regardless of the challenges we've experienced, we are so happy with our decision to become moms. Maybe it's the "baby-moon" period, maybe it's the fact that we have 24-hour help in the NICU staff, but honestly - we can't even remember our life before our guys came into it. Perhaps someday we'll look wistfully back on the parties, the dinners out, the movies, the bars, the dancing, and the sex-any-time-any-where - but today, none of that stuff matters.
We're also so very appreciative that our little men are as healthy as they are and that they waited until 34 weeks to arrive. There are so many kids in the NICU who are 1/4 the size of our Peanut and 1/7 the size of our Meatball (current sizes - not birth weight).
These three weeks in the NICU have opened our eyes and our hearts.
The boys post
Just a quick update since we have been in the world for two weeks:
"I have gained just over 1/2 pound. I should pass the 4-pound mark today! I'm learning how to eat pretty well. I'm having some spitting-up problems, but the doc thinks that it's the calorie supplement that they are adding to my milk to help me 'bulk up.' I don't really mind, though. If they keep adding the calories, I'll be super-strong very soon." --Peanut
"I have gained an entire pound in two weeks EVEN THOUGH I haven't been able to eat for the past seven days! According to x-rays, a spinal tap, and blood tests, my infection is gone. I just have to wait three more days before I can eat anything. We're going to have a family picnic in the NICU on Sunday to celebrate my return to food." --Meatball
Our moms are doing well. They are learning all of the NICU lingo, and the nurses are getting used to having them around ALL OF THE TIME. (They are probably driving the nurses crazy, but all of the nurses are too nice to say anything!) Our doctors say that being home by the end of June is NOT unrealistic! Yippee!
Meatball and Peanut
"I have gained just over 1/2 pound. I should pass the 4-pound mark today! I'm learning how to eat pretty well. I'm having some spitting-up problems, but the doc thinks that it's the calorie supplement that they are adding to my milk to help me 'bulk up.' I don't really mind, though. If they keep adding the calories, I'll be super-strong very soon." --Peanut
"I have gained an entire pound in two weeks EVEN THOUGH I haven't been able to eat for the past seven days! According to x-rays, a spinal tap, and blood tests, my infection is gone. I just have to wait three more days before I can eat anything. We're going to have a family picnic in the NICU on Sunday to celebrate my return to food." --Meatball
Our moms are doing well. They are learning all of the NICU lingo, and the nurses are getting used to having them around ALL OF THE TIME. (They are probably driving the nurses crazy, but all of the nurses are too nice to say anything!) Our doctors say that being home by the end of June is NOT unrealistic! Yippee!
Meatball and Peanut
Life in the NICU
Since we've never had kids before, life in the NICU is normal for us. It's hard to believe that other parents don't have teams of people watching over their babies night and day.
While the docs and nurses (especially the nurses) are fan-freakin-tastic, the days are long and going home actually hurts. Going to get lunch in the cafeteria hurts. Going into the pumping room hurts.
Not being by the bedside all of the time is one of the hardest things in the world. I cried for the entire drive on yThe first night that we actually went home for the night. Next to the death of my mom, it was the worst night of my life. Driving around with two empty car seats makes me insane. Walking through the nursery with two empty cribs makes me want to lose my lunch.
In the past week, both of the boys have steadily gained weight. Neither of them experienced the initial weight loss that most babies have.
Peanut (the little guy) has been effectively weaned off of everything except some tube feedings. Now, the only cords attached to him are monitors. No more IVs, no oxygen, etc. He's still in an isolette because he just isn't big enough to maintain his own body temperature. He is quickly learning to breastfeed, and the nurses try giving him a bottle at night before resorting to the tube.
Meatball (the not-quite-as-little guy) was doing fantastic until two days ago when he developed some kind of infection (NEC, http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/medical/digestive/nec.html). He was suddenly back on IV fluids and very aggressive antibiotics, and he cannot eat anything for at least ten days. He's mildly sedated all of the time because he needs to be relaxed and not agitated.
Moms are doing OK except that I get no sleep. Like I said earlier, it just HURTS to be away from here. I arrive at the NICU at 8am and leave at 10pm. I spend an hour with Meatball and then an hour with Peanut. Then, I have an hour to pump milk, potty, and make phone calls. The commute is 45 minutes each way at best, so I'm not spending much time at home. Bubba has been taking care of everything there, but my dog has declared a hunger strike and won't eat when I don't come home.
Bubba is also faced with extra stress in that her job asked her to choose between going in to work or being with me for the birth. Well, as you can imagine, there wasn't a choice to be made. She's now looking for a new job. Our philosophy: screw 'em.
While the docs and nurses (especially the nurses) are fan-freakin-tastic, the days are long and going home actually hurts. Going to get lunch in the cafeteria hurts. Going into the pumping room hurts.
Not being by the bedside all of the time is one of the hardest things in the world. I cried for the entire drive on yThe first night that we actually went home for the night. Next to the death of my mom, it was the worst night of my life. Driving around with two empty car seats makes me insane. Walking through the nursery with two empty cribs makes me want to lose my lunch.
In the past week, both of the boys have steadily gained weight. Neither of them experienced the initial weight loss that most babies have.
Peanut (the little guy) has been effectively weaned off of everything except some tube feedings. Now, the only cords attached to him are monitors. No more IVs, no oxygen, etc. He's still in an isolette because he just isn't big enough to maintain his own body temperature. He is quickly learning to breastfeed, and the nurses try giving him a bottle at night before resorting to the tube.
Meatball (the not-quite-as-little guy) was doing fantastic until two days ago when he developed some kind of infection (NEC, http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/medical/digestive/nec.html). He was suddenly back on IV fluids and very aggressive antibiotics, and he cannot eat anything for at least ten days. He's mildly sedated all of the time because he needs to be relaxed and not agitated.
Moms are doing OK except that I get no sleep. Like I said earlier, it just HURTS to be away from here. I arrive at the NICU at 8am and leave at 10pm. I spend an hour with Meatball and then an hour with Peanut. Then, I have an hour to pump milk, potty, and make phone calls. The commute is 45 minutes each way at best, so I'm not spending much time at home. Bubba has been taking care of everything there, but my dog has declared a hunger strike and won't eat when I don't come home.
Bubba is also faced with extra stress in that her job asked her to choose between going in to work or being with me for the birth. Well, as you can imagine, there wasn't a choice to be made. She's now looking for a new job. Our philosophy: screw 'em.
Immediately post partum
Looking back, the hour between giving birth and seeing the boys was great, stressful, exciting, anxious, and difficult all at the same time. I was so happy that everyone was finally here and healthy (although small). I was very disappointed that I wasn't allowed to immediately visit the boys. I guess I expected to just jump up off of the operating room bed and saunter right into the NICU! Of course, there was a lot of stuff to take care of with my body. I wonder if there was something more going on that anyone told me, because it seemed to take forever. BUT, then again, people whose kids do not go to the NICU generally hold their babies during the "clean up" portion of the day, don't they? Anyway, after being wheeled back to my room, I got the "chills." I wasn't actually cold, but my entire body was shaking in the same way that it would if I were very cold and shivering from head to toe. It was so strange, but apparently, rather common. Thank goodness for Anisa, our nurse. She was fantastic. Of course, with the intense emotion of the morning and the lack of sleep for the last 30-some hours, I was incredibly emotional. I was happy that our folks were there, but at the same time, I missed my mom so badly. For the first time since her death, my chest actually hurt with the pain in that empty part of my heart. Yes, I was elated; I just gave birth to twins! But, not being able to share their lives with her, has always been bittersweet. People were in and out and so very happy. However, I could do nothing but cry for about 15 minutes. It was all so overwhelming, and all I could think was "I hope that I can be as good of a mom as she was." Anisa thought that I was getting sick of everyone coming in and out. I believe that she and Bub actually stopped the visitors for a few minutes to let me find myself. And, finally, after much of a lifetime of not understanding each other or accepting each other or communicating with each other, my dad knew exactly what I needed to hear. No matter what he thought about how Bub and I got here, or how much he wanted to brag about how much the boys looked like him or Grandpa Ray, or how he couldn't wait to teach them how to hammer and saw and spit and scratch and ride and rope, he instead made a perfect connection with me that I will never forget when he he came to my bedside and whispered "They have your mom's ears."
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