Sunday, April 6, 2008
Immediately post partum
Looking back, the hour between giving birth and seeing the boys was great, stressful, exciting, anxious, and difficult all at the same time. I was so happy that everyone was finally here and healthy (although small). I was very disappointed that I wasn't allowed to immediately visit the boys. I guess I expected to just jump up off of the operating room bed and saunter right into the NICU! Of course, there was a lot of stuff to take care of with my body. I wonder if there was something more going on that anyone told me, because it seemed to take forever. BUT, then again, people whose kids do not go to the NICU generally hold their babies during the "clean up" portion of the day, don't they? Anyway, after being wheeled back to my room, I got the "chills." I wasn't actually cold, but my entire body was shaking in the same way that it would if I were very cold and shivering from head to toe. It was so strange, but apparently, rather common. Thank goodness for Anisa, our nurse. She was fantastic. Of course, with the intense emotion of the morning and the lack of sleep for the last 30-some hours, I was incredibly emotional. I was happy that our folks were there, but at the same time, I missed my mom so badly. For the first time since her death, my chest actually hurt with the pain in that empty part of my heart. Yes, I was elated; I just gave birth to twins! But, not being able to share their lives with her, has always been bittersweet. People were in and out and so very happy. However, I could do nothing but cry for about 15 minutes. It was all so overwhelming, and all I could think was "I hope that I can be as good of a mom as she was." Anisa thought that I was getting sick of everyone coming in and out. I believe that she and Bub actually stopped the visitors for a few minutes to let me find myself. And, finally, after much of a lifetime of not understanding each other or accepting each other or communicating with each other, my dad knew exactly what I needed to hear. No matter what he thought about how Bub and I got here, or how much he wanted to brag about how much the boys looked like him or Grandpa Ray, or how he couldn't wait to teach them how to hammer and saw and spit and scratch and ride and rope, he instead made a perfect connection with me that I will never forget when he he came to my bedside and whispered "They have your mom's ears."